Oil Changing Instructions

Men:

1. Go to Kragan auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Make that 65 dollars for nothing but the best synthetic money can buy (at least that's what the salesman said).
3. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Kragan to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
10. Give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Head of drain plug was really metric and is rounded off anyway; use vise grips.
12. Unscrew drain plug.
13. Hot oil runs down arm, into sleeve of coveralls (only 2nd degree burns; more beer to kill pain)
14. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
15. Clean up.
16. Have another beer while oil is draining.
17. Look for oil filter wrench.
18. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and attempt to twist it off.
19. Screwdriver tears the filter casing leaving the bottom of filter (screw on portion) attached to engine (()*^&#&%)*(&_&(%)! Should have put a little clean oil on gasket the last time you changed the oil.
20. Beer.
21. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

22. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. (Slosh half of the oil on the ground)
23. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 22.
24. Set aside half-full oil pan.
25. Child playing in yard falls into half-full oil pan (at least its cooled off by now).
26. Wife threatens divorce.

27. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
28. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
29. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first (see step 19).
30. Just how did you get the old oil filter remains off... Ahhhhh, beer?
31. Pipe wrench! (plumbers eat your hearts out)
32. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. (or was that the radiator?).
33. Remember drain plug from step 14.
34. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
35. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
36. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
37. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
38. Grit from underneath of car falls on eyes.
39. Wipe eyes with oil drenched hands.

40. Begin cussing fit. (23 minutes)
41. Throw wrench.
42. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
43. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
44. Beer.
45. Beer.
46. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
47. Don't worry about the oil spilled on the valve cover and manifold, it will burn off.
48. Beer.
49. Lower car from jack stands
50. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
51. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 32.
52. Watch out for the.......Well it was time for a new tool box.

53. Drive car... What is that smell...oh yeah, step 47.
54. Did I remember to tighten that drain plug after banging knuckles (step 36)?

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $29.99 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Sure seems like a rip-off to pay some flunky 30 bucks to do what you are darn well capable of Doesn't it now? -- stan k.

Thanks to Stan Krol and his friend Rob Lyle for verifying the accuracy of the men's scenario and for adding a number of items that had been missed in the original.