Personal Favorite Quotes and Taglines

This page will list a number of my personal favorite quotes, taglines, etc. They are gathered from sig lines and from all over. Enjoy! ~jeff

Quotes

• "From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss

• "The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days." -- New Testament
  Translation: Laugh and you'll live longer...

• There are two ways to live: one is as if nothing is a miracle; the other as if everything is. -- Albert Einstein

• "In order to deviate successfully, one has to have at least a passing acquaintance with whatever norm one expects to deviate from." -- Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book

• "Claudia, you're the only woman who's accepted me for the man I can't help being..." -- Paul, on Spin City, proposing to Claudia

• "For a change, lady luck seemed to be smiling on me. Then again, maybe the fickle wench was just lulling me into a false sense of security while she reached for a rock." -- The Icarus Hunt, by Timothy Zahn

• "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey

• "He (the husband) was trying to help... (with the kids), but... well, you know..." -- Christina Krol

• "You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty." -- Henrik Ibsen

• "For those of you who like to lie awake nights and worry about things ponder this: the United States Navy will be building an aircraft carrier that will run its communications systems, aircraft launch, and weapons systems using Microsoft Windows-based operating systems." -- TNPCN

• "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, play solitaire, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -- Robert Heinlein (slightly edited)

• "I know that if I just beat my head against the wall long enough, an idea will infallibly result, but there is always the nameless terror that maybe this time the Muse is not merely hitchhiking through Georgia but has been kidnapped, murdered and tumbled into a ditch. Or maybe she's mad at me." -- David Lance Goines, from Goines Posters

• Theory vs practice: "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." -- Yogi Berra

• "It's important that people should know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for." -- Mary H. Waldrip

• I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. -- Lt. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova ("Points of Departure", Babylon 5)

• In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said: "Let there be light!" And there was still nothing, but you could see it. -- Unknown

• From a distance, it is impossible to tell if an administrator associated with your project is sitting on his hands or covering his butt. -- Unknown

• Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken

• The scientist does not study nature because it is useful; he studies it because he delights in it, and he delights in it because it is beautiful. If nature were not beautiful, it would not be worth knowing, and if nature were not worth knowing, life would not be worth living. -- Jules Henri Poincaré

• The issue is not whether you are paranoid. Look around you Lenny. The issue is whether you are paranoid enough. -- Strange Days

• Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
  (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound).

• A life with neither misery nor pleasure is an empty, neutral existance... to actively seek nothingness is worse than defeat... how can you admire a human who consciously embraces the bland, the mediocre, and the safe rather than risk the suffering that disappointments can bring? -- Tom Robbins

• Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -- Bob Ettinger

• God is like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He made that person. And he's cooler than that. -- Justine Bateman

• The White House has always attracted the mentally ill.
  -- Vincent Charles, Secret Service Agent
  (explaining why security was heightened around the White House)

• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin

• "The purpose of the experiment was to identify those who objected to it taking place" -- Vladimir Nabakov, the novelist

• "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." --Groucho Marx

• "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips

• Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"

• "At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes - an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the field on track." -- Carl Sagan

• "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address

• "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

• "If I had not been a monk, I would have become an engineer." -- The Dalai Lama

• "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." -- Bill Vaughan

• "Never interrupt someone doing something you said couldn't be done." -- Amelia Earhart

• I blinked at her. "Uh, I find I'm astonished again. How is this place run? Is it an anarchy?" Hazel shrugged. Justin Foote looked thoughtful. "No I wouldn't say so. It is not that well organized." -- Robert A. Heinlein: The Cat Who Walks Through Walls
• Mowery's Observation: "It's hard to make things foolproof because fools are so darn ingenious." -- Dave Mowery

• A foolish man speaks before he thinks, a wise man thinks before he speaks, but a godly man lets his life speak for him. -- author unknown

• "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." -- Forrest Gump

The Wisdom and Weirdness of Douglas Adams

• "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

• "Don't try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you with my breakfast cereal every morning." - Zaphod BeebleBrox

• "Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now." -- Douglas Adams

• For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

Various Tag Lines

• No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• API (Poland): A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."
• Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
• There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who need closure. -- Mark Schmidt
• Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.

• 'Have you tried re-installing?' is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp.
• If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Aaaaah! No! NO! Aaaaaiiiee! Get it offa me! Get it off!! Aieeeergh!"
• I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Let's see here... Red on yellow... OK, this one's a King snake, see?"
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling in terror like his passengers.

• Intuition (n): an uncanny sixth sense which tells people that they are right, whether they are or not.
• It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
• Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that people aren't out to get you.
• Just because you're you doesn't mean I'm not.
• Motto of the Bomb Squad: If you see us running, you'd better catch up.

• Politicians, like diapers, should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
• Heisenberg may have been here.
• Error - Keyboard not found.. Press Enter to Continue
• Maturity is for those too young to know better
• If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate

• From the perspective of quantum theory, you don't look at light, it looks at you... probably.
• PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Complicated Internet Acronyms
• Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

• Last night I blasted a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

• Perl: the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
• ...so when the project started we all drew lots to see who would be made the scapegoat if it fails...
• iMac: never trust a product which is hyped on the basis of its packaging...
• Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be rebooted for the changes to take effect.
• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather restraints...

• Ahh, arrogance and stupidity all in one package. How very efficient! -- Babylon 5
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• All generalizations are false.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

• Warning! Humor may be hazardous to your depression!
• I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
• Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
• Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three: one to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with the brightly-coloured machine tools.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation

• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness
• What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
• If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

• Sign on Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, "AZ State Prison Ahead: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers"
• life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• Profanity: the universal programming language.

• Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
• The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
• If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
• God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
• Programming is an art form that fights back.
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
• You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• Elvis is dead and I'm not feeling too good myself.
• NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
• Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.
• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• I'm not different, I'm statistically challenged

• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

• No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
• Repeat after me, "we are all individuals..."
• Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
• Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
• Life is short, make fun of it.

• If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
• The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. If it's you against the world, bet on the world.
• If there's one thing we learn from history, it's that we don't learn from history.
• There is no mechanical or electronic problem so difficult that it can not be solved by brute force and ignorance.
• You do not have to believe in miracles to depend upon them.

• A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be sitting in jail with you saying, "Man! that was fun!"
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Welcome to the Brave New World. Hope everyone brought an antacid?

If that wasn't enough for you, see Bumper Snickers and One-Liners.

Laws, Rules and Theorems Explaining the Working of the Universe

• Stapp's Ironical Paradox, AKA Stapp's Law: the universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle.
• Treiman's Theorem: Impossible things don't usually happen.
• O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
• Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.

• Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
• Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
• Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
• Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

• Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
• Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
• Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
• Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
• Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

• Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
• Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
• Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
  Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

• Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
• Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
  Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
• Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
• The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no positive effect on your take-home pay.
• Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

• First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
• Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
• Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
• Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
• Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
  Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

• The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
• Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
  Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
• Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
• Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
• Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

• Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
• Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
  1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
  2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
• If there is any doubt, make it sound convincing. Theories that are not well founded must be particularly well propounded.
• Inanimate objects are inherently spiteful.

• Heisenbugs - defined as problems that disappear only when you explicitly look for them. See also schroedinbugs.
• Cole'S Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

For an interesting read about tracing down murphy's law, see The Fastest Man on Earth: Why Everything You Know About Murphy's Law is Wrong.

See also Eric Meyer's Collection o' Quotes and Josh Madison's Sayings. (yes, I snagged one or two from there ;-)